Planet of the damnedWould a woodchuck chuck wood?
by Prof.James Moriarty
Summary: Can a planet of intelligent beavers share their world with a race of talking trees with morning wood!


September 11, 2010

"The Invasion of New Jersey"

My name is not David Icke…but it is the name I'm using to tell you what I know. I'm using this armpit of a blog to explain why things are the way they are. I work for Homeland Security as a liaison between it and New Jersey s Department of Environmental Protection. and it's Department of Agriculture. There is an Office of Invasive Species interdiction that is my specialty. Whether you know it or not we are at war with other nations and organizations that seek to introduce invasive species into our territory. The goal usually is to destroy a particular commodity such as cranberrys,peaches,tomatoes etc…Sometimes it's a direct attack on seed stock such as was done to the potato seed bank in Peru. Nations do this so as to increase the competitive price of their own cranberrys, peaches or sometimes it's done to prevent a new strain of seed that flourishes in adverse conditions .Thereby giving US a completive edge when we sell this seed stock in the third world.

I work for the Office of Intelligence and Analysis. We've been very successful in New Jersey. We protect over 10,000 farms and 800,000 acres of brings in over 200 million dollars to the state with Canada being New Jerseys main trading partner. We recently thwarted an attack on New Jerseys peach production. Producers in other countries were sending beetles from North Africa through the cargo holds of jets departing and returning from Newark Airport. Sadly using Indian, Mexican and Filipino nationals to unknowingly spread them in their carry-on luggage. It's also come to our knowledge that Chinese investment firms have been using re-conditioned mattress businesses to spread bedbug infestations in the NYC area. Why? Because it will drop the price of prime real estate in Manhattan even more than this Depression has. The Chinese want leverage in the local media markets and those markets are tied to real estate concerns.

At this point you shrug and say to yourself "o.k. So what…There's dung beetle droppings in my Starbucks latte. Thanks for keeping Mongolian lice out of my grandmothers rest home..." I don't blame you for being unconcerned but read on please...

I received a call from a colleague who works with me often. Let's say his name is Professor Julius Kelp. He is with the University of Medicine and Dentistry and to show you what kind of person he is .He was the one who stole the mouse parts from the lab in February mouse parts had bubonic plague in them. We kept him out of jail but now we own him and he consults for us. He called me urgently over a span of 5 times in 5 days. We met at Cooper University Hospital in Camden where he showed me his evidence under a borrowed electron microscope. Then in his lab in the bowels of the Battleship New Jersey.(It is not widely known but many historical sites are used by our intelligence services for interrogations or safe sites to hide rogue agents we flipped to our side) Then at a ball game at the Camden Riversharks I saw his video evidence and made copies. We didn't' stay long because he feared the new Camden video surveillance system called "Eye in the Sky "Then our last visit was at his home on Maple Avenue in Haddonfield. We walked over to Hopkins Marl Pit and talked while tourists snapped pictures there. (This was the site where the Hadrosaurus Foulki was found. It's more widely known as the state of New Jerseys official dinosaur and the world's first dinosaur found with no bones missing 1858)

In a nutshell this is what made him contact me so many times. I at first thought that when I was looking at the tissue samples from Orthomyxoviridae (swine flu) when we were examining them under a microscope at Cooper Union, but he said these came from Canadian geese."O.K then" I said "bird flu? It's airborne that's for sure"."It's not "he said "I've been sampling at all my feed stations and no bird flu. Not one" (Feeding stations are giant bird feeders where the Center for Disease Control monitors any epidemics in the feral pigeon and sparrow populations. If any diseases are found anti-viral agents are put in the feed, also compounds to induce sterility in the females. You might have heard of rampant bird or a bee death in the news .This was because of panic during the Bush Administration over terrorism and rushing untested compounds to the feed stations when bio-terror was suspected.) Then he took me the next time to his lab in the U.S. Jersey. There I saw what had made him so frightened. Inside of an incubator of 1 inch glass he had what appeared to be the detached

inflated lungs of several large geese that were bouncing up and down within the glass enclosure."Methane?" I asked "No!" he said "Watch this" He then pushed both of his arms into the long gloves within the enclosure which allowed him safe access without fear of exposure. He moved his torso down so as not to block my view. And reached upwards and gently cupped one pair of lungs in his hands. Steadying the lung in one hand he very carefully used the other to reach down to his scalpel within the interior of the enclosure. He very carefully then sliced into the side of one of the lung sacs. Immediately the tissue fell away and a small round cloud of atmosphere bobbed up and down within the aquarium .The tissue dropped to the bottom of the tank. Appearing limp and lifeless. At our next meeting at the ballpark he gave me all his video of his experiments and all the information he had discovered. At our last meeting by the old dinosaur bones site. He asked if he could bring in another scientist that D.H.S. had vetted. He seemed unusually nervous .I knew this because of his "tell" In poker parlance it's what gives the other player away that he is especially excited. Julius's "tell" was that he became "blacker "in his speech and body language. He would say he wanted to "bounce "or "bone out" (leave) the department. That he wasn't getting enough "scrillah" or "duckets".I told him no more money until he brings this case to a conclusion. But I fast tracked the paperwork so he could have a carry permit. So he could "strap some steel "as he put it. I gave him the number of a zoologist we keep Paterson. He immediately recognized his name, whistled and gave me his first compliment."You are cheese and chips, one time, this cat is not janky ! He's for real!" Translation..."You are as authentic as money Mr. Policeman this scientist is not a 's top of the line!

I drove back to my room at the Marquis De Lafayette Hotel in Cape May. (One of the perks of working for D.H. how the first Director Tom Ridge got floaters like me the kind of discretionary spending accounts. Some agents were into clothes, cars o r women. I spent mine on hotels and restaurants. I loved Cape May. Every summer I made sure to be in the area for the "Food and Wine Festival" Someday there will be hearings on the colossal waste of money the Department approved of just after …I'll be gone by then ….Retired and living in Guyana.)

First person I called in my hotel room was a friend from Canada's CSIS (Canadian Security Intelligence Service) I called his cell phone and left this text "Faire du boucan"He immediately texted back "Faire du raffut" I texted once more "Faire du barouf" Then I called him on a land line phone with scramblers on both ends . He said he hadn't had any geese show up there with anything unusual in their lung tissue. He said he would call around and get back to me in an hour. I thanked him and told him this made us even now. Several months earlier I had tipped him off about some Russian mobsters who were planning to sabotage a shale oil mine by introducing some microorganisms into some of the well seals of one of the newer mine exploratory drill holes. If they hadn't been tipped off you would of heard how shale oil drilling might not be safe and should be discontinued .Thereby allowing the Russians the monopoly on new energy called me back in less than an hour and told me his contact would meet me the following evening at the Bella Vida Café on 406 North Broadway in Cape May. He told me he had to go and then I asked him what was the recognition sign .He said "Oh yeah…They'll be holding the back of their neck, rubbing it and looking away. The countersign is you keep taking your cap on and off." "Don't worry" he laughed "You'll find each other!"

The next evening I stopped off at the bar in the hotel for some quick fortifying spirits before I left .I had two ABC's (2 ounces of scotch with a tablespoon of apricot brandy and 1 tablespoon of sweet vermouth) Then after leaving a decent tip I stepped outside with my walking stick and my ,"Osama for President" cap tipped stylishly on my head.

When I arrived at the Café it wasn't difficult to spot my contact. The place was uncharacteristically nearly empty. Except for a group of retirees talking about their trip to Florida .I had the place all to myself. My table was usually in the back where I sat with my back in the corner table .The waitress came over and I asked for A seafood cub for myself and a "Land and Sea Burger"(sirloin burger and a crab and shrimp salad on top) for my soon to be new best friend. She smiled and left without asking me about my hat so I assumed it wasn't her I was looking for. A UPS driver came in and dropped off boxes of what I assume was kitchen supplies. Fifteen minutes passed and both my meals arrived. I decided to switch and eat the surf and turf and leave the seafood club. My waitress smiled and gave me a sad nod that told me either she thought my date had stiffed me or I was there to eat 2 meals and needed an excuse. Just then a neck rubbing Hispanic woman walked in .I lifted up my cap and waived it and she furtively waved back as if greeting an old friend. I got up from my seat took the napkin out of my lap and met her half way as she kissed me on my cheek.' Hello! Hello!"Shesaid as she sat down next to me searching my face for recognition or more likely to remember me for future reference."How was Canada?"I asked as the waitress left with my plate."Fine...Fine"she said .Our friend the Mounty says you need to know something and so do I.""Is this for me?"She said as she motioned to the seafood club."Yes...Yes...only the best for our Cuban friends."A la puneta" she smiled"Nunca te ofreces a pagar la cena."She took a big bite, smiled and nodded approval. "Well senor this is what we want …The names of the terrorists who are attempting to overthrow the democratically elected Hugo Chavez government." I winced and looked pained."If what you have is that good the best I can offer is the names of two traitors in the DISIP (Direction de los Servicios de Inteligencia y Prevencion)…Venezualan Intelligence…She frowned and said "We need a Mexican drug lord to escape from your custody. He knows the name of one of our agents that he flipped..." I interrupted and interjected "What if we could give him to you directly? Hmmm? The traitor? He fucked us to!" She stopped chewing...smiled..Then nodded. "Then it's done...here's what we have cabron" She pulled out a thick manila file left it on the table and got up to leave."Use a Latin King to bring us all correspondence from now on. No Mexican mafia .Their undependable..."

"Death to Fidel " I smiled and lifted my glass as she left giving me the finger before walking out. When she was gone I lifted the file and felt its heft. Whatever was going on was going to keep me up tonight.

The next morning I awoke to a ring on the telephone. The files of 40+ year old Soviet probes were strewn at my feet."Hullo?""David?"The voice inquired."Yeah"I said recognizing the voice as Alfred C. Kinsey greatest living zoologist on Earth and chief consultant to the D.H.S on introduced invasive species."David...come up to Lambert Castle .I'm here with your colleague .we need to talk" "Sure thing sir "I said "I'll bring what I've found to "He hung up and I put my paperwork back in order in a hurry. As I glanced through each page number my mind was moving in a thousand directions. What I had read was so bizarre I almost stopped in the middle and thought it was a hoax. Before I left to see the Dr.I not only strapped on my glock but put my back-up Taurus Millennium 9mm with armor piercing shells on my ankle holster.

As I drove north towards Paterson I tried to put my hunches together into a coherent theory. What I read all night were files about the old Soviet Vanera Probes to Venus. It was written in Spanish for Cuban astro-physicists to review and give their opinions. Most of it was pretty standard stuff. The pictures were terrible even considering the hellish conditions there. The first thousand pages were about the early probes and how to make future probes not be destroyed or lost as most were. From the first attempt by Sputnik 7 to impact and Venera 4's Fist successful descent probe. The reading was pretty boring. The only thing I remember was the poor Spanish translation of the Soviets frustration with the American Mariner 2's successful flyby in 1962. (The Russians thought we faked it.) As I read on I learned to skip the body of most pages and read the pages that had comments on the side scrawled by a Cuban scientist. The comments grew progressively more excited and more scientists joined in. By the time I got to the last 100 pages. Comments were on every page and filled the back of each page.

In a nutshell this is what they found…In the Phoebo Regio basaltic plain they found an elevated plain similar to that of oceanic basalts on Earth. But that wasn't the exciting part. Venus has abundant biota in the upper atmosphere above this plain. The lower atmosphere may have carbon dioxide 90 times thicker than Earths. But the upper atmosphere has Hydrogen Sulfides and Sulfur Dioxide appearing TOGETHER. This doesn't happen unless something is producing it! Despite solar radiation and lightning there is little to no carbon monoxide suggesting something is consuming it. Microbes are combining sulfur dioxide with carbon monoxide and hydrogen sulphides (or carbonyl sulphide) and metabolizing the monoxide! With the carbon monoxide at lower altitudes the Venus bacteria are using sulfur compounds as a natural chemical sunscreen and using U.V as photosynthesis. Life! They found life outside Earth! I thought. Why hadn't they announced it? Wouldn't this have put a point on the scoreboard for them? As I read the last twenty-five pages I realized why. They said nothing because they wanted to bring some back to Earth and weaponize it! The last few pages were abstractions on how to return a sample to Earth and its other possible uses including altering it to increase global warming and free up the Artic Circle from year round ice and make its mineral wealth and trade routes more accessible. This was where this organism came from I thought as I turned into the driveway of Lambert Castle. Those stupid fucking Russians!

Lambert Castle Museum sits on top of a 200 million year old lava flow .It's on the Ramapo Fault that is still active. In fact on February 21, 2010 at 8.59 A. had a baby quake of 2.6 on the Richter scale.200 million years ago New Jersey was very mountainous .It split from Morroco when it was in the center of Pangea. (Probably the first and last time New Jersey would be the center of anything.)

Kelp met me at the back of the Museum. He looked worse than usual. His elbows and knees were ashy white. Now African-Americans might forget what time a meeting was going to start. But they n-e-v-e-r forget to moisturize. "You look like shit"I said "I thought you gave up smoking? For the new Dominican girlfriend?" "Fook her "he said (imitating the accent he told me was so hot)"She went home to hubbie number 2. Come on in we got some sick shit to talk over"

I followed him down to the elevator and nodded to the sleeping janitor who would magically awaken if we were museum tourists who made the wrong turn into that part of the building. I pointed to the Uzi sticking out of his trash bag and he quickly shifted it to a less obvious position."Sorry Sir" he stammered "Won't happen again"

We went down 3 levels past the basement to Doctor Kinseys office. We got off the elevator and were not met by any security which was against protocol."Come in David, Julius...I'm glad your both here. I'm sure you've got a million questions. I've set up a little slide show I'll take questions after it's through "With that he proceeded to set up the slides in order. He obviously had never done it himself before. The fact he deemed this to be so important that he had to present his information completely alone spoke volumes as to how important it was."Okay let's begin at the beginning "he chuckled."Throughout the 1960's and until about fifteen years ago the THEN Soviet Union and these United States have been in a space race for prestige and also for political proof as to the superiority of our societal systems of governance and economic organization."With this he showed to successive slides of beaming Russian astronauts and American astronauts. I looked over at Julius and he smirked, rolled his eyes and shook his head."Both societies..."he continued, hid there larger findings from the other until the Yeltsin administration and the fall of the Soviet state."A picture of Yeltsin on a tank and then with him and President Clinton. So because each side hid their off world discoveries the true picture of what was happening was not discovered." Then a slide with a giant question mark came up and Julius and I laughed together."GENTLEMEN PLEASE!" Kinsley shouted "I am an old man and worst still an academic so please understand this is the means I'm most comfortable with in presenting information. Endure me for another twenty minutes then we will answer your questions."I apologized to him and Julius smiled and shoved me playfully as if I were the professor sighed and continued "What was not shared on the American side was that intact alien observation sights had been discovered on the moon "A slide of the moon and them a overview picture of a large edifice with the unmistakable lunar skyline with Earth in the background. Both Julius and I were stunned silent. The Professor smiled pushed back his glasses onto his nose and continued."This observation post was at least hundreds of millions of years old if not closer to a billion. The entire site was riddled with impacts of micro meteorites. The technology was far advanced. Possibly interstellar but not galactic. We were able to decipher what we think was a map describing other spots in our solar system where bases were located."This is INCREDIBLE DOCTOR!" Julius exclaimed as he jumped to his feet "Is what we found one of its babys? This is Nobel shit Ickes," The professor shushed us both even as I had not uttered a word."Anyway…"Kinsey began again "We spent the next 30 odd years after that sending probes to those sites where these other observations posts were suppose to be. The lost missions on Mars you've heard of were not lost at all. They were specifically sent to two sites. One of which we found was their main hub. It had long ago been destroyed by volcanic seismic activity but the secondary site was manna from heaven."He flipped to the next slide but when it didn't come up he held it in front of the projector and said in a whisper "This gentleman was not only a outpost but the capital city of a once flourishing Martian civilization "With that he dramatically paused and when he got no response shrugged and continued."Meanwhile our Russian friends were hiding their own discoveries on Venus. Their probes at first continually failed until they bribed one of our best expatriate Russian scientists to return and help them with their Venera program. He stole our schematics and they retuned to Venus with a vengeance. To their surprise they found not only bacterial life but empty cities floating in protective domes over what use to be their oceans. The idiots destroyed 3 of them while trying with their stone-age technology to enter them. The cities plunged into the lower atmosphere and were consumed by that bottomless pita greater loss to science was never made….sigh…The last city was partially exposed due to a meteor impact many millennia ago. The soviet probe entered it and left a data transfer probe which attempted over 3 trillion algorithms before after almost a decade cracked open the automatic data stream the city projected to the other cities. That stream has only VERY recently been decoded. That city was one of over a dozen other cities surrounding Venus that acted as weapons platforms for a network of defensive automated systems "I glanced at Julius he seemed to be dozing; I nudged him awake and realized he had fainted. The doctor turned back on the overhead lights and brought over a pitcher of water and a glass."Nothing to be ashamed of young mans "he said, sprinkling some water onto julius's face after pouring a glass and absentmindedly sipping it himself."I almost shat in my briefs when I first heard of this, and I was much older than you are today."

Julius revived sat up in his chair and took the glass out of the professors hand and poured its remains on to the bald spot at the crown of his head."Better, better" he mumbled while clearing his throat and motioning to have his glass refilled.

"As I was saying..." continued the turning the lights off and attaching the next series of slides."The data stream had to at first be made viable and continuous."He put up one finger."Then it had to be stored sequentially."He put up a second finger."Then it had to be translated and interpreted which was an ENORMOUS undertaking!" With this he sat down and began his slideshow again."We brought in everyone from every friendly allie we could. Code breakers were what we were looking for. We found one young woman who was in the Mossad who finally broke the code. We told her it was Al-Quaeda, then we told her Chinese…but she refused to continue unless we admitted it was extraterrestrial. She said to me in this very room she recognized its complexity was beyond the current technology. She said the code was hidden in the sound of the hiss of background radiation coming from space. These were military logistics being sent to military bases throughout the solar system. It was mimicking radio waves coming from Jupiter , Saturn etc In order to hide them...""From who "I said incredulously?" "From what we found on Mars" said the Professor quietly." As fantastic as this sounds .We have clear evidence that there were two viable technologically superior societies on both the planets Mars and Venus. That these societies existed BEFORE mankind arose and that Earth was terraformed by them to win a genetics race as to which species would dominate this solar system." With this he sharpened the lens to point to a slide where 3 separate engraved stone murals were displayed."These three stones are from three separate worlds. The left is from the last floating city on Venus. The right is from what appears to be a bomb shelter in a cavern next to Olympus Mons on Mars. The middle was recently unearthed in Antartica by a crew trying to take a drill core from where they thought was 5 miles of ice," Julius and I leaned forward the pupils of our eyes darting back and forth."Their exactly the same Dave" said Julius."What do they say Professor?" I said with an unintentionally quivering voice." It's a Peace Treaty David...It details how Venusian forces would allow a co-evolution of a mammalian species along with a reptilian species on Earth which was a neutral world. That Venus would cease developing bio-weapons if Mars agreed to cease using guided meteorites against Venusian outposts on Europa .It established Titan as a second neutral world like Earth .That the nitrogen would continue to be added into the biosphere until stability was achieved. There were a myriad of other stipulations and actions that would be taken if they were broken…."With this the Professors voice trailed off .He turned off the projector. Poured another glass of water and turned on the overhead conference room overhead lights .We both blinked and sat motionless looking at each other in disbelief. "Any questions Mr. Ickes? Mr. Kelp? I'll have to leave you now but you can understand this is classified beyond need to know. Any breath of this by any of this and we are ALL dead men…literally..."Just one question I began…"That thing Julius has been studying...What is it? I got the impression these worlds were dead and buried. Is that one of there weapons?" "No David …It was a terraforming tool developed by the Venusians. It's not self-replicating if that's what you're worried about. It manages the atmosphere. It can raise or lower the amount of carbon dioxide in the ocean. It was probably a leftover released from one of the methane vents in the deep ocean or by offshore drilling. Their ability has degraded so much that they pose no threat.""Is it possible any of them survived Dr "said Julian obviously relieved the conference was over."Yes…and no …Feel the top of the roof of your mouth gentlemen. Is it bifurcated? The uvula"...If so. Then you are one trillionth of one percent more Venusian than Martian. Do you have an extra rib as 1 out of seven human beings do? Than your one full percent more Martian than Venusian… I could go on but without sounding glib...No, I believe both species died our in a horrific war which still scars this solar system with its craters and missing planets and moons. But WE survived...I suspect this planet was named Hope or Truce or Peace once we get the translation right. Good-Bye Gentlemen Keep looking for those Asian Carps or Monopterus Albus which was caught in the Hackensack River by a homeless man" With that the professor slid his card through the lock and left us alone in the room.

"Sheet! How am I suppose to go back to dissecting Columba Livias after this?" No choice man. If we try to walk away we'll have an accident or they'll microwave us with neutrons from SatCom and we're dead from cancer like Kim in North Korea"

"Could be worst" I said passing Julius some primo Maui Wowie I was saving for the beach that night." Julius smiled and nodded "We all got to learn to get along that's all " he lit and inhaled deeply."We Martians "he chuckled while slapping his side where his ...extra...rib was .Then passing the joint to me."And we Venusians "I said feeling the top of the roof of my mouth" and taking a long lusty draw and blowing it into the broken smoke alarm above.

THE END


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